is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
