I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize