nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
