All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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