Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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