It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
