i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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