dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
