cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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