I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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