Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
