it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
