You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
