A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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