So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
