Umm I'm too high to move.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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