i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
