the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
All the doctor said was why
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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