this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
