Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You need Xanax blowdarts
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
