Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
