i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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