Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
pray to the hookup gods
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
