ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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