there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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