The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
