I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I have fence marks all over my body
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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