My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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