She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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