Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
