my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize