maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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