my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
