sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
