I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
