Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
