i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Randomize
