Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
