i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
