positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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