saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
