exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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