when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
