Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
