the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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