They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize