I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
