I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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