I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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