My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
