You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You ate ashes out of my bong
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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