This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
