So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
