You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize