To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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