It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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