I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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