the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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