i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
