It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
