Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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