White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
