I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
