the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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